CYFSN Cannon White

Justin Barton: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Can You Feel? So now podcast. My name is Justin Barton and I am spoiled, rotten and extremely blessed to be the host of this podcast. I can't believe how powerful some of these. Conversations have been, and I'm looking forward to seeing just how powerful this one's gonna be with my new friend by the end of this Cannon White.

Justin Barton: So Cannon, why don't you just take a couple of minutes, introduce yourself, tell us a little bit about your family, where you're from, and maybe some hobbies that you enjoy in your life.

Cannon White: My name is Cannon White. I come from a pretty big family of 11. So I have 10 siblings and I fall right in the middle.

Cannon White: I have five older, five younger, and my family just always been very gospel centered. All my older siblings have served missions and just set a really good example for me my whole life. Some things about me, I love sports. I love combat sports, so I did wrestling in high school. I love boxing. Did that for a long time.

Cannon White: I gotta teach boxing classes before my mission worked at a gym. And yeah, I also love to read and to sing,

Justin Barton: you're very well rounded. And that's a huge family. Where, where are you [00:01:00] from?

Cannon White: Oh, sorry. Gilbert, Arizona. From Gilbert,

Justin Barton: Arizona. Gilbert, Arizona. All right.

Justin Barton: So tell me a little bit about where you were assigned to serve and the dates that you, the basic dates that you were there.

Cannon White: So I was assigned to serve in the Philippines Longo mission. I was set apart March 19th, 2023.

Cannon White: And I ended up coming home January 1st, 2025, though I was scheduled to come home. March 28th, 2025.

Justin Barton: Yeah. And you mentioned to me as we started that you had an injury, it injured your knee, and that's what, what brought you home a little bit early. Why don't we just start there and tell us about the injury, what happened?

Cannon White: Sure. It was pretty simple. No cool story. I was, we're at a zone conference and I was helping set up for the, just what we were gonna be, my present was gonna be showing as like a presentation later.

Cannon White: So I was setting up the projector. And I was just stepping up a stage and my knee twisted and cracked and I just ended up tearing my meniscus and I was able to, I wasn't sure what happened. I was able to [00:02:00] walk after a little bit. I was on crutches the next day and it wasn't until the next week that I got an MRI and I thought everything was gonna be fine.

Cannon White: 'cause at that point I was walking a little bit better. I ended up getting off of crutches. And then I got a call from the mission doctor and he had told me that my meniscus had been torn. I didn't know what that meant. I actually had extended my mission about a month previous to this.

Cannon White: So I was supposed to be coming home in May. At that point was when I now extended my mission. So I thought, that's fine. Just finish my mission up these next four months and then, I'll go home and get that taken care of. And then I got a call from my president about five minutes later and he just, he looked pretty sad and he just told me that they're gonna be sending me home and that there's nothing he can do about it really.

Cannon White: And, the next few days were a blur. Me trying to find every way I could get out of that and stay. And once I found out I couldn't stay and it was outta his hands and my hands, the next thing was trying to figure out how I can get back. And so it was from the moment I found out to when I came home was four days.

Cannon White: So it was a very quick time and it [00:03:00] was hard for sure. I remember I came home. Getting on the airplane was really hard, because that's not how you picture your future going. I, I thought I had a pretty clear idea of what was gonna be happening. I had never been happier in my mission at that time, I just thought I doing everything right and it just got cut off pretty abruptly.

Cannon White: And I remember the first thing my stake president told me when I got back was we just talked and I've been talking to my president about too and. And there was already low chances of me being able to come back because my original date was only two months away and ended up talking to my state president and they, he told me that the chances of me going back were about 0%.

Cannon White: And after I got my news for my surgery, found out that they're gonna be doing a long-term recovery for my surgery, which will be, about four or five months before I'm, fully cleared of all like restrictions. It just took place and settled in that. That, that's it now it was over.

Cannon White: So there's been some hard things about it for sure, but I've seen a lot of grace in this time and I've seen the hand of the Lord a lot and I've learned a lot of lessons in my mission that I thought I knew, that I've come to know and understand [00:04:00] a lot more in this time.

Justin Barton: Talk to me about. The high speed mourning that you went through for those four days of being sent home. And then when the realization came that, I'm not going back, talk to me about the mourning you have gone through .

Cannon White: It felt and feels like grief, like I lost something, that I lost, something I loved, and I, I loved it with all my heart. I loved being a missionary and I just loved the people and the work. I loved bearing the name of Jesus Christ on my chest, and I loved bearing testimony of him and knowing , that that was done, that that was over when I just made it a bit longer, I wasn't ready to go home on time, so I just extended in that I was being cut short.

We still were working, me and my companion, we tried to do everything we could. Had a really nice tender mercy. The Saturday before I left, about two days before I left, two of our friends got baptized which was just such a tender mercy from the Lord. But I. Yeah, it was hard.

Cannon White: I was struggling to feel the spirit as much and I was just feeling [00:05:00] scared and I remember getting on the plane and then taking off, I just felt like a piece of my heart just wrenched outta me. And I think that part of my heart is just always gonna be there in the Philippines, something that I can't really get back.

Cannon White: And coming home, I remember there was just. It was my family and they're all happy to see me, but there's a few times in that night. I just had to take a step outside because , I was already in a brace. I was walking pretty bad still for my injury, and , this is the last place I wanted to be right now.

Cannon White: As much as I love my family and as much as I'm, I was so happy to see them. It was just so hard coming to terms with the fact that that's over. And there not knowing was the hardest part for the, for those four days, not knowing if I was coming back or not, that, indecisiveness just was tearing me apart.

Cannon White: And so I guess once I got a finality on it, that helped. But it took me a few weeks, before I finally accepted that this is it. I'm not going back.

Justin Barton: Did you ever feel abandoned rejected whatever by God in this process?

Cannon White: It's interesting where they say feel, because obviously I know that that's not the [00:06:00] case, but sometimes what we feel and what we know don't really match up. And there were times I felt, just the questions that everyone asks . But just why I was being obedient.

Cannon White: I was working as hard as I could. I'm not stopped seeking your will and everything I did. Just why did this have to happen? Those questions come. And it did, and there's times, especially since I came home, there's times when I felt like my connection with the spirit was do more and I didn't understand why I was trying to do everything I could to continue my studies to continue to.

Cannon White: Connect with heaven, and I just felt like it was dulled a bit, and I was just so confused. I'm like, why is this happening? Though I'm really grateful for some lessons I learned in my mission, especially in the last part of my mission. I feel like on my mission, every cycle, every transfer,

Cannon White: there was a lesson, a main theme of what the Lord wanted to teach me, and the last two from my second to last one was a huge theme of aligning my will with his, especially in [00:07:00] times , when we're called to walk through suffering that we might not feel we deserve.

Cannon White: And I was brought to study all about Christ and how, you know what he went through. His suffering and showing that the father's love is always there. And just understanding that the whole point in this life is to align our will with his. And so our will becomes his. And the second thing he taught me was that this life is a wilderness.

Cannon White: And just like all the great prophets and all these great stories, reading the scriptures, starting from Moses, even Adam and Eve Nephi, the Jaredites. We all have to traverse the wilderness before arriving at our promised land and that this life is gonna be hard and there's gonna be trials. But I learned that it's in that wilderness, in those dark moments that we come to have intimate time with our savior and that we find grace.

Cannon White: There's a verse I love from Jeremiah, which talks about finding grace in the wilderness and. So , I really thought I was, okay with that. I'm like, oh, great. I love these lessons. But I think the Lord wanted me to have a bit more hands-on experience with learning them. I've had a lot of great practice this last month or two and I have seen so much [00:08:00] grace and I've felt the savior's love and I've come to know him even more intimately, I feel, through this hard time.

Cannon White: And that has been a blessing.

Justin Barton: That's awesome. So in these two themes, in your final two transfers, let's touch on the first one that you talked about, aligning your will with gods, especially when going through suffering that you may not deserve. So was that something that , the theme was just in scripture study or was that something that you encountered with people, friends that you were working with your companion or real life situations?

Cannon White: Yeah, it started out with a question. I realized that the close of my mission was coming. It came faster than I thought, but I knew that the end of my mission was coming. At the end of your mission, the months are just flying. You just have no idea where it's gone, right?

Cannon White: It's six weeks gone like that, another transfer's gone, and so I was really thoughtful and really passionate about thinking, what do I need to do now? To make sure that I don't fall away when I go home and that was a question I was praying and asking the Lord is what do I need to learn?

Cannon White: What do I need to do [00:09:00] to make sure that I don't lose this, this part, this mission, this. This testimony, my love for the gospel, my love for Christ has become so sacred to me. And the answer that came was aligning my will with his. Actually, remember I was studying other sources talk from the slash general conference when he talked about aligning our will with Gods.

Cannon White: And he said the ultimate test of our discipleship is when our will becomes, God's will. And so that just took me a long study and. , I, I really did study it as well in the lives of those that we were teaching. I was studying my, one of my friends his name is Tai Francisco.

Cannon White: He was really struggling with the word of wisdom, and he just didn't understand why it was a commandment. He just didn't understand why it was mostly coffee that he was struggling with. He just didn't understand why. But I remember as we were praying and with him and as he wanted his heart to soften, there was a time when he's broke down crying, and he's told us, oh, there's.

Cannon White: I was speaking Tagalogog in the Philippines, but he said elders, I don't understand fully. He's an old man. He's like 80. He said, I don't fully understand why this is a [00:10:00] commandment, but I want to do what the Lord wants me to do. He said, I want to. Follow the Lord's will.

Cannon White: And so he, I said, I feel the God's love. I feel your love and I want him to be proud of me. And I remember just thinking about that especially. And he did something really hard and he did. And he stopped and he's one of the ones who got baptized and his wife that last Saturday before I left. And I just remember thinking, that's the point.

Cannon White: We don't have to understand. A lot of times we don't understand why things happen, but it takes, it requires a deep submissiveness to God to be able to say, I don't know why this is happening and this hurts, and I wouldn't choose to go through this, but because you have called me to go through this, if you told me to do this, I will.

Cannon White: And seeing that humility in him and just something that was really hard for him, a trial that was really difficult for him, really taught me a lot.

Justin Barton: Yeah, and it's a trial. Like you said, he didn't understand why and sometimes something . As mundane as drinking coffee is, in the world.

Justin Barton: , everybody does it. Why is this a commandment? Yeah. And then it's something [00:11:00] that he feels I don't deserve to have this taken away from me, or whatever. But I love that. I don't know why, but I want to do what God wants me to do, even if it doesn't make sense. How can you relate that to your own life moving forward from here?

Justin Barton: What are some things that you see in your life that you're like, eh, I don't really understand that. But I'm gonna take that step into it right now.

Cannon White: One obvious one is I, I didn't fully understand and don't understand why I needed to come home early, but I remember something, my stake president told me the first, time I came home .

Cannon White: That helped. He just told me, he said, with the way that you were serving your mission, he said, and what the way it happened, I wasn't doing anything disobedient. I stepped up a stage, setting up a projector. He said, you can remove all doubt that this wasn't the will of the Lord. He said this was the will of the Lord.

Cannon White: And so I have been trying my hardest to say, okay, this is, God's will. And it hurts. And there's still days that are hard when I just wake up and I [00:12:00] wanna be back so bad. And I just wish so badly there's something I could do to get back, but I know I can't. I'm trying very hard to submit my will to Heavenly Father and be okay with that and seek what he wants me to do now and other things in my life as well.

, I remember one of the big things when I was studying was there's times in my life, there's been other trials. A more personal nature is that just, I have prayed for many years to be taken away. Temptations and trials. I just, I felt like I've done so much work on and felt like I've done so much and it hasn't been taken away.

Cannon White: Stuff I'm still facing even now. And I remember when I read, there was a quote from Neil A. Maxwell and he talked about, he said sometimes our mortal journeys require us to walk. Through hard roads and this suffering, requires us to drink a bitter cup.

Cannon White: And he said, that requires a deep submissiveness to God, especially when, it's not deserved or we feel like it heaven father allowss things to happen to us that we didn't deserve. That has been probably the most humbling [00:13:00] time as I've started to realize that this trial, I've been going through, these things I've, I've wanted out of my life.

Cannon White: It's on God's timing, not mine, and learning to submit my will to his and do the best I can while I'm waiting on God's timing and aligning my will with his has taught me a lot of humility and reliance on Heavenly Father, and trusting in his timing and his will, and trusting in his love, trusting that he keeps his promises that he makes.

Cannon White: And so, I don't know what's the next few months are gonna look like. I have plans to go up to school and all this other stuff, but I'm just trusting that he has a plan. And I know that as long as I start on my knees every day. Trying to align my will with his, seeking what he wants me to do that day, that I'm gonna be happy and that he's gonna lead me to the things he wants me to do and that life is gonna be good 'cause he wants it to be.

Cannon White: And so it just taught me more trust.

Justin Barton: Yeah. And I think what you've shared here leads right into that second theme, that life is a wilderness and we all have to traverse that wilderness before arriving at the Promised land. Talk to me a little bit more about that and [00:14:00] how that theme showed itself while on your mission and how it's showing itself right now.

Cannon White: Yeah. I remember the, probably the most impactful truth that I learned on my mission. It came in the form of a verse. It was, in D & C 1 32.

Cannon White: , verse 24. Basically it says, this is eternal lives to know the only true and living God in Jesus Christ when he has sent, and that scripture has shaped the way I view the gospel. .

Cannon White: , that eternal life is to know Jesus Christ, and it helps answer a lot of questions for me. Especially when I was learning about why we have to suffer in life. And that kind of tied back in this last lesson when I was just reading about all these people, all these great prophets who in order to reach a promised land, had to traverse a wilderness, there had to be suffering, there had to be sorrow.

Cannon White: There's no way around it. And I've learned that just like them, we have left our heavenly home and come down to this [00:15:00] wilderness there's gonna be good times. There's always good views in a wilderness times where you can rest. But until we reach the end, there's not gonna be an end to the hardships and to the trials and to the suffering.

Cannon White: And I remember reading that verse in Jeremiah about finding grace in the wilderness, and I remember just all tying together in my mind that it has been a truth for me and I think a truth for a lot of people that. The place where we come to know Jesus Christ the most. Is often in our deepest personal pains and darkness.

Cannon White: It is in those moments when we feel like we can't go on anymore, when we find ourselves in our knees and we're begging for mercy or for help or for grace, that's when we come. I. To see the true character of Christ. It's not in the good times. It's not in the happy times when everything's going well in life and everything's easy, because if life was always easy and life was, just harmless and everything was happy, and everything was good, then I'd see no reason for a savior.[00:16:00]

Cannon White: I. I see no reason why we would need someone to save us, but it's because of our suffering and because of these hard times that kind of forced us almost to turn to Jesus Christ. And I think back in my life and on my mission, I had a lot of really low moments in trials that I didn't expect to come. I, I'd probably say some of the lowest in my life, and it was in those moments when I was on my knees.

Cannon White: That I came to feel the mercy, love and grace of Jesus Christ where he came. Not to just be a figure that I read about in the scriptures, but to be someone that I started to know more intimately. And I think that's one of the reasons why the wilderness in our life is essential. Because in those wildernesses that we come to know Jesus Christ.

Cannon White: And if that is eternal life, then that's what we need. And right now . In this trial that I've been going through, I've been seeking for Jesus Christ, trying to find where he is in this and what he wants me to do and I do feel his love and I feel him with me. And that [00:17:00] has made all the difference.

Cannon White: I.

Justin Barton: Hmm. So you mentioned that some of the lowest parts, some of the biggest struggles in your life happened on your mission, and I think one of them is, I gotta go home early. Yeah. But you said there were a couple of them. Let's dive into one of those that maybe you haven't talked too much about before.

Justin Barton: That was one of those things that put you on your knees.

Cannon White: One hard. Trial. I haven't told a lot of people, but I know I've told all my companions and my family . There's a pretty high baptismal rate in the Philippines. It happens a lot, and it's, the people are just, are really prepared , and they're just all Christian.

Cannon White: And so it just, there's, there's a lot of people who get baptisms and I remember , I started off and my whole thing from the beginning was I just wanted to be obedient and work hard. That's something I've learned how to do. And that's all I wanna do there. And I, I tried so hard from the start of my mission, I, I tried to be as obedient as I possibly could and work as hard as I could and study as hard as I could.[00:18:00]

Cannon White: And I felt like I was doing everything right, but I just kept not seeing, any, any progress with the people we were teaching sometimes. And I loved them so much, and I remember. After my, I finished my training, I got put out into a new area with a new companion an area that had been dead for a long time and, hadn't , had a new person found in months, and me and my companion went out and we found 36 people the next week.

Cannon White: And we just found consistently about 20 people over and over. We ended up finding 200 people, or over 200 people in those two transfers that we were teaching, that we had at least two lessons with. And despite all the people we were finding the work that we were doing, they just kept dropping off.

Cannon White: When it came to making commitments, they just kept not doing it. And that was hard. That almost broke me. 'cause I was just, I'm like, I'm giving my all here and , why isn't this working? And eventually I got transferred out of there and went to another area, worked there for a long time.

Cannon White: I trained and this other things. And still just none of our friends that we were teaching got baptized. And then I went to another area and [00:19:00] finally . I'd gone a year, my mission without a baptism, which, and my mission was unheard of. And it was hard sometimes seeing a lot of missionaries who I felt maybe were more disobedient, who weren't working as hard, who were having baptisms.

Cannon White: And there was times where I, I'm like, am I cursed? , what am I doing wrong? I'm trying to, I'm giving my all here. And it wasn't until about that year mark before things started switching and before that happened, I remember I found myself on my knees a lot. Just am I even doing anything here?

Cannon White: I am I even helping, I'm trying to be obedient, I'm trying to work hard, I'm trying to have the spirit with me and be worthy of his companionship. And why is this happening? And that was really humbling. And I came to learn and know, again, I guess it goes in hand in hand with aligning our will with Heavenly Father.

Cannon White: But just learning that I remember feeling, feeling the savior. Come a lot closer. I remember feeling his grace a lot and I came to understand that, , it's not about me at all that I can't do anything on my own that as my strength. I really am weak I think Heaven father was [00:20:00] teaching me and he was teaching me that I.

Cannon White: This is his work and all he's asking me to do is give my best. And that he was pleased with my efforts and that he was pleased with what I did. And I remember feeling that when, that was one day, specifically when I was praying, I was just feeling like wanting to give up. And I remember feeling him Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ told me that they were proud of what I'd done and that he was happy and that it, it's sufficient for him.

Cannon White: The sacrifice I've been giving and just learning that, these other things, they will come. According to his will. , I remember just feeling like he knows where those people who are gonna get baptized are. He knows, who's ready and who's not. He just needs me to go out every single day and bear witness of him and be his disciple and be obedient and just drive to follow his will.

Cannon White: And after that, remember just there was one time I was in an area just for six weeks and we found and baptized seven people and just, that amount of time and , it's not like I was doing anything different than before. He was just, heavenly father had different plans for me at that time.

Cannon White: And so that was a low moment for sure. My [00:21:00] mission. You think after a year and just not seeing any baptism, nothing to really write home about, at least with that, in that sense, that was hard. But it taught me so much and helped me to understand a lot more about what it means to rely on the Lord and to trust in him and to be humble.

Cannon White: And so that was a great lesson.

Justin Barton: Yeah. You referenced, and I think it's from second Corinthians 12 or 13, the, when I'm weak, ? Then I am strong. Right? Yeah. You mentioned at the beginning of this that you love combat sports. You're a wrestler, you're a boxer, which is all about it's way more than strength.

Justin Barton: , but it's about being strong and being able to do things on your own, yeah. And knowing and being better than the other person , and here you are, put in this place where all of your combat sports, your strength, your talents, everything are just not measuring up the way you want them to.

Justin Barton: What do you learn from that and how can you apply that back into, combat sports, or into life where it is a battle on a day-to-day basis.

Cannon White: Yeah, no, that, that was actually, it's a very good question. That's [00:22:00] how I felt. A lot of my life, I've always been pretty independent.

Cannon White: I like to do things on my own. That's one of the reasons I love some combat sports because you win or fail on your own, you know it's on you. If you win, it's because of you. If you lose, it's because of you. There's no teammates to blame, it's you. And , I've always felt pretty confident in my abilities and I was, I came in a mission.

Cannon White: I was, I wasn't scared at all. I was like, oh, I got this. I can do this. I'm confident I can talk to people. I got it. And yeah, I had to be humbled and I'm so grateful that I was. But I think, like I said earlier, what I learned was, I really can do nothing on my own that no matter how hard I try, I will always be lacking.

Cannon White: , I cannot save myself, and just by the grace of God that we were saved after all we can do, and I came to understand that a lot deeper level. I could go out there and find all these people and work as hard as I could, but I could not baptize a single person on my own.

Cannon White: Not without Heavenly Father, not without the spirit. I couldn't do it. Never could. And I think the same thing now, [00:23:00] going back home, it's gonna be a bit before I get into combat sports with this knee of mine. I think I've come to understand that we weren't supposed to go through this life alone in all things.

Cannon White: That Jesus Christ has asked us , to yoke ourselves to him through covenants that he is saying, I, you, you can't do this alone. I'm just gonna tell you right now. You won't make it through this life alone. , that's why I had sacrifice for you. That's why I gave you the atonement.

Cannon White: Bind yourself to me. Walk with me. And my yoke is easy. My burden is light. And I think that's one thing that my mission really taught me is I don't want to go through life alone anymore. I can't, I think I would've given up by now if I , if I was going through this trial right now and I didn't feel Christ with me and that he wasn't, pulling with me, I would've given up.

Cannon White: It'd be too hard. It'd be too much. I think when I'm going into school and going into work and going, back into maybe sports or, combat sports and stuff, I thought. I want to do it. Everything in life. Yoked to him, not just my studies, not just my prayers, but I just want my life to be walking side by side with Christ [00:24:00] and that's what he wants, and he talks about, I remember in Jacob six, one my favorite verses is, Jacob I know admonishes us to cleave unto God as He cleaves unto you. And I, I love that phrase, that Christ Heavenly Father, they're cleaving to us. They want to be near us. And the question is, are we gonna cleave to them?

Cannon White: And through our covenants, through living our covenants, how much of our life will we give them? I think we get to decide how close we let Heavenly Father come to us, how close we let Christ come to us. And on my mission, I had to learn how to humble myself and let him completely take over.

Cannon White: And I found so much more joy when I did that, when I just finally gave it to him. I still hadn't seen a baptism at that point yet, but going out to work just felt so much better. I'm like, you know what's in his hands? It's okay. I just gotta go to work today. I just gotta smile and love the people and teach, and if they get baptized, great.

Cannon White: If they don't, I'm still doing what heavenly father wants me to do, and I think for the rest of my life, that's something I wanna do. I just want to be in partnership with him and align with his will and just walking [00:25:00] with him.

Justin Barton: Okay, so Cannon you were very independent, very capable. It sounds at least from the little bit we've talked about, the language wasn't brutal for you, more so than anybody else.

Justin Barton: You picked it up fairly quickly, fairly easily, and loved it. Things just came fairly easy for you throughout your life. Am I interpreting things okay at this point? Yeah. Not that life is a cakewalk, but

Justin Barton: Things were okay throughout your life.

Cannon White: Yeah.

Justin Barton: And we've talked a lot about this humbling that's happened here, but when you had that awakening of I can't do this on my own,

Justin Barton: I've got to yoke myself to Christ. I've got to rely on this power that's greater than me to take me through life, not just my mission, but life. How did you feel at that moment? Were you a little bit disappointed in yourself? Sad initially? Tell me about that moment.

Cannon White: I had been sad up to that point [00:26:00] and been really hard up to that point, realizing it. Realizing that I can't do this, but , for a while. It was just more negative talk. It, I think for a long time, my mind, my thoughts were, I, I'm not a good missionary. I can't do this.

Cannon White: All these other people, it doesn't matter if I'm, if they're not being ob obedient or not, or it doesn't matter if I feel like I'm working hard on them, they're doing better than I am. They're actually helping people make covenants. And so it's just a lot of, I just felt really down and really low.

Cannon White: I think the moment, that moment when I finally understood and finally felt any father to say, it's not about you. It's not about what you can or can't do. It's like, all I want is your heart that felt so freeing. I don't know how to fully describe it. It just felt like a giant burden was taken off my shoulders and I realized, oh, this isn't my work.

Cannon White: This isn't my responsibility. My responsibility is to give my will to heavenly father and to do whatever he would have me do. But the rest is up to him and it's up to the people. And I remember it felt like a giant weight that I've been trying to carry on my own. I'm gonna do this work.

Cannon White: [00:27:00] I'm gonna get these people baptized. It's on me. And saying, oh wait, it never was about me. This has always been heavenly fathers work. He's always been capable of doing it. He could do it all if he wanted to, but he allows us to be as instruments to teach us, to allow us to grow and allow us to learn.

Cannon White: And I just felt that big weight just taken off my shoulders and I realized I never needed to carry it in the first place. That Christ already carried that weight a long time ago, and I think it's the case with all things in life. Sometimes we try and carry our own sins by ourself. And I did that a lot in my life too, right?

Cannon White: I felt like I had to punish myself for my sins, and I felt like I needed to bear the weight and be, and, and despair and be upset at myself and angry instead of just allowing him Christ to take the weight that he already took. And just trusting in his plan and continuing forward with faith. And so from that moment to change, I just felt a giant weight lifted off my shoulders and realized I hadn't been letting Christ carry it.

Cannon White: And I think he'd been asking for me to let him carry it for a long time. And so, yeah, I just felt freeing.

Justin Barton: Hmm. [00:28:00] Very powerful perspectives there. And there's a lot of wisdom in what you're sharing. You've obviously gone through some things that have brought you to this place. You talked about negative self-talk.

Justin Barton: When you were working really hard and not getting the baptisms, not seeing the progress with the friends you were working with, the commitments weren't being made and kept and you were just talking to yourself. Or a voice was talking to you, telling you your garbage. Tell me how you can differentiate now, the between , that negative self-talk voice and the voice of God,

Cannon White: yeah. We know that , all that is light comes from heavenly Father, comes from God, he doesn't condemn. Christ never came down to condemn. He never has. And so I can tell pretty clearly now when I'm condemning myself that that's not from God, I also know that Heavenly Father doesn't work, in darkness.

Cannon White: He doesn't work in, in shame and in in, self hatred. All these things I felt for so long in different periods of my life as well, even before my mission. That's not how he [00:29:00] works. I think back to all the moments where I really have felt the spirit and I really felt connections with God, and he's never once made me feel ashamed, even if it was after a huge mistake that I made,

Cannon White: he never once made me feel like I was a bad person. I think, okay, what do I actually feel when I'm feeling the heaven Father, and I feel the love, and I feel mercy, and I feel that he knows me and that he is there for me. And so it's become easier for me to differentiate, these voices that God uplifts, that he loves and he teaches and he's,

Cannon White: truthful. He's full of grace and truth. Yes. When you make a mistake, he knows it. And you have to be honest with mistakes. You have to own up to things that you've done wrong. But he. Also is full of grace, and so he can remove, the stain of our sins and he can, take away that pain when otherwise, if you're in the darkness, I think it says in second, Nephi, 26, the Lord God work is not in darkness.

Cannon White: When you're keeping everything in and you're just letting these false thoughts spin around in your head of just being upset at yourself saying, you're the [00:30:00] worst, and saying you're weak and you can't do this. Those thoughts. Don't come from Heavenly Father and he can't really take 'em away.

Cannon White: You can't really let the light in until you address that those are not true, and you bring it to the light and say, this is how I'm feeling. And that's not true. And so I've, I've learned a lot more, especially when I talk to other people, I think, like opening up to my mission president or, someone I trust like my parents.

Cannon White: I feel like when I talk out loud and let these , these thoughts or anything that's coming through my head come out loud, it helps me discern a lot better which one of these are coming from Heavenly father, and which thoughts are not coming from heavenly father.

Justin Barton: Yeah. Beautiful. I love how you walked through that.

Justin Barton: All right. Cannon, what have you learned about repentance throughout your life and what that looks like? Tell me what repentance means to you and how you practice it.

Cannon White: That's a good question

Cannon White: to me, I always seen that there's two power parts with repentance. The repentance, the atonement are what allow us to remove [00:31:00] sin. Almost like an eraser. It it, it removes it from your heart. But repentance is what allows us to change. I can't remember which prophet said it, but there was a quote that says that repentance removes both the taint and tyranny of sin.

Cannon White: And I love that a lot that I think for a long time in my life or penance to me just met kinda like a blank slate. Okay, start over. And I've just come to understand that that's not true. And I've learned that repentance, is just daily change. Require relying fully upon the merits of him who's mighty to save.

Cannon White: Relying upon Jesus Christ to change our very nature that there are parts of us right now. That we hold onto certain sins that we, we hold onto, or just things that we have right now in our life that we can't take with us to heaven. They, they just won't fit through the door. They can't come with us there.

Cannon White: And repentance is that, access through the home of Jesus Christ is the driving force that allows us to start letting go of some of these parts, strengthening up places where we're [00:32:00] weak and continue to walk until we come to the measure of Jesus Christ, to the point where we become more and more like him.

Cannon White: The whole point in the gospel of Jesus Christ and the whole point of repentance is to allow us to become like the Savior and to make new creatures from us. And , it's not a one and done experience. It never was. It's not. You pray really, really hard and for a really long time you pray and then all of a sudden, yes, repented, and now I'm like, Christ new creature.

Cannon White: It's a process, Lord God always works in processes, line upon line, precept upon precept and repentance shows that so beautifully and for me now , I think I used to see my mind with the whole covenant path. I used to see sin as taking me off the covenant path and then repenting getting me back on.

Cannon White: And I just come to understand that's not true, that sin doesn't take us off the covenant path. Breaking covenant. Sure. But sin is just another one of those things that we carry with us in our life. That we can't take all the way back to Heavenly Father on this path, that eventually it's gotta go.

Cannon White: And repentance is the force that allows us to keep moving forward. And as we, humble ourselves, the Lord God will show us our [00:33:00] weaknesses as we come unto him. And if we are humble and have faith in him, then he'll make those weak things become strong unto us.

Cannon White: And I know that it's gonna be a lifelong and, a very long experience, but I've seen that as I've repented I've seen my heart change. I felt things that I desire before go away and the things I desire now have changed from who I used to be. And I love that. I love that we can change and that my understanding of repentance has grown a lot, especially my mission.

Cannon White: And I know now it is just something that's gonna be part of my life forever. Until I am like Jesus Christ, I'll never stop repenting.

Justin Barton: You said a couple of things there, that I want to dig into and I want you to teach me about this , 'cause my. Feeble understanding isn't grasping it. You said sin doesn't take me off the covenant path.

Justin Barton: Because so often in my mind and in the minds of so many people I talk to, oh, I screwed up again. I may as well just give up. I'm, I'm way off the path because of this mess up that I [00:34:00] did, even if it wasn't anything to do with Breaking Covenant. So teach me a little bit about that.

Cannon White: Sure.

Cannon White: That was an understanding I had for a really long time, and it just, my mind was so simple. It's, you sin, you're off the covenant path and you're. Out of the good grace of Heavenly Father, and you have to repent to get back in there. I remember I was listening to President Nelson's talk before my mission about spiritual momentum.

Cannon White: And he talked about, he said let me tell you how to gain spiritual momentum against, trial and adversity. And the first thing he said was, get on the covenant path and stay there. With my understanding at that point, that hurt me because I've been dealing a lot of trials and I had a lot of temptations and I felt like I was making a lot of mistakes and I wanted to gain spiritual momentum, but I was like how am I supposed to get on the covenant path if I keep making these mistakes?

Cannon White: I'm like, how am I supposed to gain this spiritual momentum? I came to learn and understand that. Perfection was never the plan. That was Satan's plan. Satan said that we will make no mistakes. Heavenly Fathers never said, once you on the covenant path, you're gonna be sinless and every time you make a mistake, you're off of it.

Cannon White: The [00:35:00] covenant path was never just a straight line. . I remember I had another study in my mission where it's interesting, I was reading about in in Tagalog and the scriptures where it talks about the straight and narrow path. And it's funny because in Tagalog, the words for straight and narrow both mean narrow.

Cannon White: It was like the narrow and narrow path in my mind. I used to see like the strain of path as like just a parallel, two parallel lines, us at the bottom, father at the top. But in my mind it like those, the lines sub my father kinda shifted in. It made like a big V, almost like a, I don't know, just like a path that was straight that was narrowing.

Cannon White: And I saw us at the bottom having fall at the top, and I stopped seeing sin and all these things that we do as things that take us off the path. And I started seeing them in my mind, I. As like these giant packs that we carry with us. And as we walk forward, eventually those walls, those lines get thinner and thinner.

Cannon White: As we become more like Christ, that we can't go forward anymore, we get stuck. And I love picturing in my mind, because it helps me understand more what it says in Ether 12:27 when it says, if men come [00:36:00] into me, I will show un to them their weakness because it makes sense that if we're trying to come to the father and we feel stuck.

Cannon White: That he would show us our weakness to allow us to repent and to come closer to him, because otherwise, I think sometimes we feel really down on ourselves and we're feeling stuck. But if we're feeling stuck, it just tells us that we're trying to come to Heavenly Father, that we're trying to make forward momentum, forward progress.

Cannon White: And so I would see that as a moment where I'm taking these, my anger, my hurt, my pride. Shame and these sins that these things that I'm carrying with me in this life I can't take back if I wanna make it to be like Heavenly Father. And so you get to that point where you're stuck and you follow the process.

Cannon White: Like it says an ether of 12:27, and you humble yourself and have faith in God and you repent and he helps you change. Now you drop some of that stuff that's in that pack and now you can go forward even more and you made some progress, and then you find yourself getting stuck again. And , and sometimes, we start saying, ah, then am I ever gonna make progress?

Cannon White: We forget to look back and realize, oh, I am making progress. I'm just getting closer. And the closer and closer we get, the more we have to shave off and [00:37:00] the more we have to leave behind until we come to the fullness of the measure, the stature of Jesus Christ. And so. That was kinda like how my understanding from it came and it helped me to understand a lot more of what Grace means and understand that the whole point of Heavenly Father's plan, he knew we were gonna make mistakes.

Cannon White: He knew we were gonna sin, and he doesn't condemn us for that. The only time when we really fail is when we stop trying. As long as we continue to repent and keep going, we're on the covenant path. Every one of the covenants we make, none of them say be perfect. They are, covenants to be obedient and to strive, to be chaste and to live the gospel of Jesus Christ and living the gospel of Jesus Christ literally includes repentance.

Cannon White: So includes the idea that we're gonna make mistakes. And so that helped me understand that more.

Justin Barton: I don't know if you noticed, but as you were sharing that I had to draw the diagram, I had to draw this out because what you were sharing with me just blew my mind, and I'm just really grateful for that new perspective that you're sharing with me.

Justin Barton: And I'm gonna be diving in and digging into that because I [00:38:00] think . There's something there that I need to continue to learn. Thank you so much, Cannon. That has been very powerful. All right. So, before we start getting into any of the wrap up questions that I have here at the end Cannon, is there anything else that's like weighing on your heart that's there, that you're like, I really need to share this in this recording because God's telling me I need to,

Cannon White (2): I.

Cannon White: I feel good about the things that we've spoken. A lot of things I wanted to say. I feel like we've talked on, most sacred truths to me that eternal life is a no Jesus Christ, and that everything that we do in life should be, seeking him and coming to know him. I think the only thing I'd share is just in continuation with that, that everything centers around coming to know Jesus Christ.

Cannon White: Just one of my favorite scriptures in D&C 88 verse 63, which just says, draw near unto me and I'll draw near unto you. Seek me diligently and you shall find me. Ask and you shall receive. Knock and it shall be open unto you. And this is just Jesus Christ speaking to us. And I've come to [00:39:00] learn. What my purpose is in life that, on my mission and for the rest of my life, my purpose is to seek Jesus Christ.

Cannon White: And it's such a beautiful truth that as we draw closer to him, he draws closer to us. And I just wanna reiterate that eternal life is to know Jesus Christ. That there's no higher, purpose. There's no greater goal in life than to come to know. Our savior and redeemer intimately, and we're gonna come to know him through a lot of things, and that's a great study. And it's been a great study for the last year for me, and come how we come to know Christ. We come to know him through loving as he loves, through serving, as he served, through studying his words, through repentance, through our sufferings and through so many other things. But as we make it our goal every single day to seek Christ and to be like him, I know that we will receive eternal life.

Cannon White: And I love how it doesn't say that eternal life is perfection. The eternal life is. Being sinless, eternal life is to know Jesus Christ. And that has changed how I view the gospel and it's changed how I study and it has helped me [00:40:00] understand a lot more what Heavenly Father's plan for us is,

Justin Barton: man, powerful stuff.

Justin Barton: Thank you Cannon for letting me sit here in this holy place. Wrap up questions. This project is called Can You Feel? So now it's based on Alma chapter five verse 26, and I'm gonna read the verse and then I'm gonna ask you a series of three questions here, . The verse reads. And now behold, I sing it to you.

Justin Barton: If you have experienced a change of heart, and if you have felt the sing, the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can you feel so now, so Cannon. We've talked a lot about change of heart and, and the shift that has happened in your life with your heart. Teach me just a little bit more about what that means.

Justin Barton: Experiencing a change of heart.

Cannon White: Yeah, a change of heart. I love, I love that phrase. I love how it's worded. That says, can you feel so now, because it's. It's not the same as asking, do you still believe, do you still have faith in this? It's, can you feel so now? And I love how he phrased that so carefully.

Cannon White: I think [00:41:00] there's a lot of people you could come home from our missions or still be in the church and believe in the church and know that this is true. I. But do we still feel it? Do you still feel that in your heart? The burning of the spirit that tells you this is true?

Cannon White: And we talked about, I, I talked earlier about, that change of heart that I've had many different changes of heart and I think my heart's gonna continue to change for the rest of my life as I come closer to Christ. And that change of heart comes from repentance and it comes from.

Cannon White: Submissive to the will of Heavenly Father as we decide to just give our life into his and say, I will be done. That is when our heart begins to change, when it's soft and malleable, when heavenly Father can actually do something with it. When we decide to, take our own will and wants outta the equation and give our life to Heavenly Father, our heart begins to change.

Cannon White: And I think it's important to notice and remember that it's not, it's not a one-time experience. We. Sometimes read these stories. We read of Alma, the youngest conversion. Sometimes we think like it. It was [00:42:00] just then prayed. He had to pray for three days and three nights and then boom changed good forever.

Cannon White: And I assume that he kept repent. I, I know I'm sure he kept repenting for us of his life, but even still that experience is very, very rare for most of us. Our change of heart happens day by day. A little bit of yielding our heart more and more to heavenly father and pushing out the natural man more and more until our heart is fully his.

Cannon White: And with that question, can you feel, so now I think Alma's trying to say, are you still yielding to the spirit? Do you still feel the enticing of the spirit? Are you still putting off the natural man? Can you still feel Heavenly Father's love? Are you still living in a way that you feel you know you're Savior and his love for you?

Cannon White: I know you believe it. I know you know it, but can you feel so. And , I think it's, I'm a five is just the best self inventory ever. Just to go through that, but that's a really good question for me as well right now. And so I say no, I, I can, I can feel so, and I want to continue to do so, and I hope that as I [00:43:00] continue to read that over the years, I can continue to say I still feel the song of redeeming love.

Cannon White: I still feel Christ's love.

Justin Barton: Yeah. Okay, so I'm gonna come back to that here in just a second. And the second phrase, so we haven't touched on this. You just mentioned that you love to sing at the very beginning. Have you felt to sing the song of redeeming love? And what the heck does that mean?

Cannon White: That's a good one. When I think of singing, I think of phrasing. Rejoicing and I, I do, I, I love to sing. I, did choir before. My mission, I'm no good, but I love to sing and I remember one of my, I know, when mond's talking to his brothers and he just starts just rejoicing the Lord.

Cannon White: He just talks about, boasting the Lord. And he says, I will rejoice, my heart will rejoice. And he just says, if this is boasting, then so will I. Boast of my God, , this is my joy. This is everything to me is to worship Heavenly Father and to glory in him. And for me that's what singing the song or redeeming love looks like.

Cannon White: I mean it, he might not have been singing, but just praising Heavenly Father and [00:44:00] being so grateful for him that you continue to praise his goodness and his glory and his love. And I remember on my mission, I started trying that more after I read that and kind of like, it's like, , like how often do I really glorify God?

Cannon White: Like how often do my prayers do I really just start thanking him for his greatness and his goodness, and for his mercy. And for his love. And I've found that it really can turn a bad day upside down pretty quick, that when I'm just having a hard day and things aren't going my way, just turning, looking up and just start praising heavenly Father and just thanking him so much for his mercy and for his care for each one of his children.

Cannon White: And I also like to break out into singing. And start singing is my favorite hymns. It's my favorite way of praising , it's just a way to connect with Heavenly Father and to show appreciation for him. And. It is a great way to feel his love. When you praise Heavenly Father, you'll, .

Cannon White: You'll feel the song redeeming love in your heart.

Justin Barton: Yeah. Beautiful. All right. Next question I would ask. Can you feel so now, so what I want to do with you here, Cannon, let's jump in a time machine. Let's go forward 10 years in your life. We get outta that time machine and [00:45:00] you are looking yourself in the mirror, and that negative voice is screaming at you saying your garbage.

Justin Barton: You're no good and you're believing it. Talk to yourself. , talk yourself off the cliff and remind yourself what you feel now and try and get that future Cannon to feel that way.

Cannon White: If I talk to myself, I'd say, that's not true. I'd say,

Cannon White: look back at what you felt. Look back at everything that Christ has done for you. You know how he feels about you. You know the mercy that he's shown you, that he suffered blood, died for you, and he wouldn't do that for you if you were worthless. You can see a lot. You can know what of things worth is when you see what someone is willing to spend for it, and you can see what your worth is because you know what Christ paid for you.

Cannon White: He does love you. You are heavenly father's son. You are Christ's brother. He knows you. [00:46:00] He has used you before. He has never given up on you. He's never stopped walking with you. He always comes back. He always comes to you in your darkness. He has before and he will do so now. I always say you get on your knees and you repent and you look for him, and I promise you he's gonna be there.

Cannon White: He never left and. Don't ever forget the love that he is showing you that he still has for you.

Justin Barton: Beautiful. As we close out, I'd like to invite you to consider bearing your testimony Tagalogog for me here of whatever principles you feel strongly about right now.

Cannon White: Okay.

Justin Barton: Amen. Thank you so much, Cannon. This has been powerful and meaningful and I'm honored to share this space with you.

Cannon White: Yeah, thank you. It was great.